Relationships, Tits and Shits

I once met a kid who called relationships with girls relationtits. This kid would only date brawds that had massive mushmelons. I'm not talking about your average snuggle pups either, I mean this kid wanted the biggest, floppiest humdingers he could get his paws on. He literally picked his relationships on how big the sweater meat was. I like his style to me it is a veteran move. Now you may ask what if I am into smaller appliances? If you like just a little mouth full then by all means. If a set of muffins, hush puppies or spark plugs get you fired up then do you your thing. I am just saying you mine as well judge a girl on something you see and like. You can't judge on personality these days. You don't find out how the kitty purrs until a few months in which most the time ends up in a few months wasted. If your judging on how well she lets you rock the box then yeah maybe but it's still not a guarantee. You may get her in the hump hut and realize she has a beat up dusty rug instead of a tropical wet summer hideaway. The same goes with basing your decision on how well she gives hummer. It gets old the same girl puffin on your inhaler all the time. Your other team members get all confused too. You dump the team off with no directions. These franchise players are racing around getting tired and shit, before you know it the baby batter gets lost tying to find the oven and pulls over for directions at the tongue station. “Fuck me tongue how do I find get to the ovulation oven?” He says “man your not even to the tonsils yet so let me break it to you.” Your on the wrong continent bud you missed your flight you need to be flying south....Better luck next time.” Look, 50% of marriages end in divorce these days. It's a coin flip. Relationships don't have a statistic because the statistic guy figured it's not worth it. If you don't plan on marrying the hooch any time soon then throw the breaks on, pack peddle a bit, and rethink your decision. College is suppose to be about exploring and learning. See what the buffet has to offer and indulge in a few quick samples. I know it's nice to come home to a nice tuna taco or fur burger but relax. Find yourself a no strings attached cum dumpster for the lonely nights and roll the dice a few times before you jump into another relationshit. With that said any girl who reads this will probably send me hate mail. Go ahead sweet tits I don't care. I am simply establishing a successful game plan doesn't mean everyone has to follow it.

50 Nuggets

I used to have a tremendous amount of respect for Mr. McDonald, but has Ronald gone and lost his damn mind? This guy brought us the Golden Arches, super size me, happy meals, and Big Macs. Now he went and added a 50 piece nugget! Is he trying to kill America with breaded all white meat cloned chicken? I can't imagine the greasy human that can smash down 50 nuggets in one sitting. I can only think of one good outcome of the new 50 banger of nuggets. You can buy your children this 50 piece set to share and teach them a lesson. For every nugget they take out of the box you can force them to name a state. Once all the nuggets are gone you will have covered every state in our country. If you want to get real creative you can even throw in a few capitals using the sauces. “Hey Jim pass me Kentucky so I can throw a little Frankfort on it.” Just a thought...

College Texts

College Reading

Whenever I am reading a College textbook for class, I read at two extremes. Some parts I read with the focus of a N.A.S.A Rocket Scientist on Ritalin. Other parts I buzz around clueless with the focus of a 9 year old Attention Deficit disorder award winner. Our professors insist on us reading and comprehending as much of the text as we can. College Textbook executive producers try and help by highlighting the important words. When they bold the words the normal text pulls a Houdini and reappears when the magical wand (highlighted word) signals it to. I wish they would just put in capital letters that say “HEY BUDDY PAY ATTENTION HERE...THIS IS IMPORTANT” Or hey “A.D.D. ADAM PULL YOUR SHIT TOGETHER THIS COULD BE A TEST QUESTION.” If I had that then I would have no problem on tests. I guess that defeats the purpose but it would be nice though. Just a thought...

Time is not Wasted when your getting Wasted

I heard yet another catchy saying the other day. Time is not wasted when your getting wasted. Wow. In the name of the father, the son and the holy spirit AMEN! Sorry father for I know I have probably sinned. Don't worry I'll be at church soon enough to say sorry. We can break some bread, drink some watered down wine and call it even. If not we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. No but seriously what a phenomenal drunk statement. Your probably thinking “what a stupid assumption to put any real meaning to.” Give me a chance to explain. Even if you are using a Telly out of the 70's with an antenna you still can watch the news. -!-!-!-Quick side note. We are switching as a country to digital cable February 19th. If your still watching TV with tinfoil in one hand and a medal rod in the other you must buy a box from the government (at a discount price) to do so with success-!-!-! Sorry for that brief interruption we are now back to our regular scheduled program. Anyways if you have watched the news lately you have probably heard about President Obama inviting the heads of state over along with a basket full of other important people for cocktails in a relaxed atmosphere. Now I understand they were probably having a glass of chardonnay or one glass of some dope whiskey. That doesn't rule out that fact that one of those beauty's didn't take advantage to indulge in a cocktail hour at the House formally known as White (Not in a racist way just had a ring to it...And it's true). With a flask in his pocket and the stench of Vodka on his breath this guy was ready to tackle some serious shit. This elite gathering held by Obama can help us understand a hidden truth about productive drinking. For most in college we encounter the of best times while meeting the best of friends intoxicated. We debate, discuss and argue about some of the touchiest subjects when we are mangled. The outcomes of these meetings conclude in a variety of ways. Agreement, fighting, laughter, grudges and headaches (from either confusion of information or hangover). When we are in these arguments sometimes we realize who we actually like, believe, dislike or disregard. In terms of events we celebrate the arrival a whole new year with drinks and cheers. We party with the closest people in our life during important times and dates. We confide and look for advice from friends hammered in the darkest of hours. Obama probably figured well this is a whole new beginning so lets celebrate with everyone...Party at my house. These are important times for us and Mr. President wanted to celebrate with some close people. Talking over drinks he looked for comfort and opinions in our nations dark hours. So let's tie this whole thing together. Drinking is great! No that's not the right message for our kids. Try and stay with me and remember the outcomes I stated before. Lets just hope the booze didn't influence any of these possible outcomes. Obama suddenly becomes in agreement with terrorist extremist. Our staff and chief commander began fighting with China who has us by the balls for 10's of billions. Jack, Jim, John, Jose, Costello, Captain or the Mohawk didn't influence the first lady to laugh at the tragedy of Darfur and surrounding regions. Our franchise player #1 President Obama didn't start any new grudges with the French assholes about the war on terror. And for god sake let's hope none of our high ranking U.S. Government officials are light weights and blacked the whole damn night out. Next thing you know we will find out the booze hound with the flask and vodka breath was Russian. Before we know it we'll be relocating the U.S. in Siberia thinking how the fuck did we get here and why is it so ugly? The drunk sneaky Russian will be sitting with the Statue of Liberty saying “I told you so bitch this is why you never trust any guy when he is drunk.” I imagine that would be a real headache. All jokes aside. I know I probably contradicted myself but I do believe our country is ready for a new start. The President did no wrong in his decision to share drinks and laughs with the people he will be working the next 4 years with. Drinking is not all that bad and can be productive..

English is the Problem

Grammar, Punctuation add the two up I guess you get English (If you will). I'm not sure if we really need it much anymore. I communicate via facebook/stalkbook, E-mail, Aim, Msn, facebook chat, text message and text bombs. Not once has grammar crossed my mind. I mean if anything I think for a majority of us our grammar/punctuation skills are usually used at a 2nd to 3rd grade level. For me thats a good day. That doesn't include texting. “C U L8R 2'nite” which brings you down to first grade or kindergarten status. This holds true in the business world to. You think with the economy these days corporate America has time to worry about run ons and fragments? No. A typical E-mail is “Hey Doug send those damn reports out asap before were up shits creek without a paddle” Thanks, Steve. P.S. Take he'r easy if she's to easy take he'r twice”. Or the slut of a secretary scenario we all like to play in our day dream radio. “ Hey Ed parking lot 10 minutes don't be late : ^ 0 <3”. I know there are exceptions if you have a term paper due or you have to hand in a big report to your ball gargling of a boss...Then yes by all means Microsoft word it up. Maybe if our high schools offered a few more financial management classes we wouldn't be in the hole with China for Billions. I know one thing those China men may not know proper English but they can crunch some numbers. Jokes on us. Maybe if we had the opportunity to learn about the importance of cash management before H.S. We could save a couple greenbacks to pay for college. So when the time comes to actually dish out for college we wouldn't have to run to the Bank/Uncle Sam and beg to loan us 80 grand with interest rates at 3.61 which tops most of our G.P.A's. For most college students the binge drinking is not caused from the stresses of school but the stress of the debt that awaits us as soon as we get a diploma (Drink up now fuckers). Ok here we go one last little rant. Cut the English bullshit, teach us about money, we'll save it, that will in return will keep so many kids being forced to join the military for financial reasons. When that happens the military won't have enough H.S. grads to invade yet another country. We'll get our economy straightened out and tackle global warming. On top of that we'll have an abundance of missiles and bombs saved up to point straight the fuck at China until they give us our money back. I know I blew that out of proportion but you get the idea. RELAX on the Grammar stuff.